Based on our extensive research on the completely credible and dependable source of the Internet, we feel it necessary to offer the following health advice to unsuspecting, undiscerning members of the public:
- Do not drink soft drinks anymore. They will eat away your stomach and guts and leave you with nothing to digest other food with. By the time you’re done following our instructions, though, you won’t have much choice of food anyway so this won’t matter as much as you think.
- Do not eat instant noodles. They will leave a residue of wax in your body. If you go on eating instant noodles, by 2010 you will have become a large candle.
- Do not smell perfume samples you get in the mail. They are dangerous chemicals put there by sick madmen who want to kill unsuspecting women. Anyway, you should know by now that something which makes paper smell good doesn’t necessarily work the same way on women.
- Do not eat canned food unless you wipe the can down well before opening. Rat urine on the cans can cause you to get a life-threatening disease that will, at the very least, leave you blind or with a permanent dribble or with the song Two Less Lonely People in the World by Air Supply constantly going through your mind.
- Although we have heard non-online people say that canned food is not very good anyway because of their high content of harmful chemicals, not a single one of the forwarded e-mails that has come to our attention proves this point. Therefore we see it fit to advise you to eat as much canned and preserved food as you want (but wipe down the can first).
We hope you will accept all of the above at face value and not make any attempt to verify its truth. After all, the true mark of a 21st century urban human being is the lack of ability to discern fact from fiction. Only dinosaurs left over from earlier, wiser ages actually think about the consequences of their actions. Received another diet warning in the e-mail today? Why check, why consider? That’s for sissies; just forward the message! And if you do it by today, some large American corporation will probably give you three cents for each person you annoy by flooding their mailboxes with this information.Signed,
Quek, F & Quek, D
(Holders of Suspect Credentials that Don't Actually Stand for Anything)
We Doctor Anything!®