Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Today as history

It's almost over now. When it has passed, what will I remember about this day?

Getting out of bed and sidling up to my favourite mug for my morning drink of water. Idly pouring said water into mug and taking a hearty slurp. Wondering momentarily why my water was so hairy. How can so much of my hair have got into my mouth? I'm wearing a hairband, for crying out loud. Why is the hair moving? What- has it got... legs?

I spit, faster and with more vigour than a Nyonya matriarch chewing sireh. A bedraggled spider landed in the sink and began its drunken, tottering walk to safety. I decided my safety was worth more (apologies to environmentalists, but I tend to place my survival above that of the white-tail spider) and drowned it in a bowl of water.

In that horror-film-worthy second or so when my groggy mind was reconciling itself to the fact that there had been a live (and lively! Oh, how it jigged! How it wiggled its little hairy arachnoid legs!) spider in my mouth, my mind also flickered to everything I know about Australian spiders, which is not a lot. I know some can kill with a single bite. Oh, lovely. I briefly wondered how long it would take people to realise they hadn't seen me around for a while, and which one of them would eventually find me, still as an Indian summer night. My forehead would be on the kitchen floor and there would be a spider in my mouth, my lips swollen to B-grade Hollywood standards. Oh. Luv-uh-ly.

Several anxious mirror-gazing moments later, I decided with relief that my lips were not any puffier than usual, and there were no puncture marks. The only casualty was floating in a white porcelain bowl in my kitchen sink.

Somehow, I think I will remember those first few moments of my day more vividly than the Tax Office errands, the BodyJam class, the farewell wishes to my favourite gym instructor, the last-minute research for the paper due to be presented tomorrow. I might remember the crumbed miso fish more clearly than all these, but only because it pleasantly took my lips' thoughts away from memories of those scraggly legs frantically searching for escape.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

The things I'd do...

Funny, the things you learn about yourself from browsing old pictures and journals.

I found this in my picture archives.

I once made this stuffed bacteria as a medical client's birthday present. I kind of miss those days of sewing happy, functionless objects.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Just when I think I'm running on empty

How do you define "burnout"? I've always thought of it as one of those unpleasant places that you only recognise when you're stranded there, which is how I still feel most of the time. Another one of life's ironies, to be a counsellor experiencing one of the most common reasons for people to seek counselling. Not that there has ever been a rule against counsellors living genuine lives, warts and all.

I am still uncomfortable with the idea of sharing too much here, so suffice it to say that everything is still hard, and I don't know why. But my latest session reminded me why I keep going, and why I can: because even when I know I don't have the resources within myself to complete the journey, I somehow get there anyway.

And that keeps me getting up every morning.
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