Today, I woke up 35 minutes after I'd planned to.
Today, I finished half as much of my assignment as I'd planned to.
Today, I cooked a smaller amount of curry than I'd originally shopped for.
The other night, I broke down while talking to cell group members and told them that maybe this is just my time to be mediocre, because I don't feel like the record-breaking Ren I used to be. Not mediocre, one corrected me, but it certainly is time to let go of my own ability and see what God will do instead.
My life over the past few years has been a constant, all-out fight to carve out a life larger than the present one. Job-hopping to a position that was more prestigious, and then to one that I hoped would be more fulfilling; upgrading from a single mattress on the floor to a queen-sized four-poster; overcoming my room's chronic untidiness by adding an extra desk; taking dance classes and participating in a youth conference, stage musical and film project simultaneously while working full-time; quitting work altogether in order to go back to school. I am not unhappy with the result, and my life has been enhanced by the many, many people I've met along the way. But I am, without a doubt, exhausted from the effort.
What, I wonder, what if for once I stopped fighting the current and let it take me where it would?
Would I be able to enjoy the ride, the cushioning waves beneath and the blue sky above?
Can I learn to enjoy the present instead of reaching out a grabby hand for something better?